Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I tried to get Oprah to marry us...but she was busy so we hired Gayle instead

tI recently looked through a few different friend's (more expensive than selling my soul to the devil) wedding pictures and started to wonder if a wedding of this caliber was really worth it.  My best friend with benefits, Google, says that the average cost of a wedding is $24,066.  If you are a 20-something new to the workforce homosapien, this is your yearly salary.  Or it is your parent's entire retirement fund-meaning in 15 years you will have 2 new roommates, a closet full of depends, and will have to fashion a homemade coffin out of your closet door, tin cans, and industrial strength bond-o.  All to celebrate 5 hours of adult prom without chaperones?  I get it if money really is growing on your sycamore tree (Tom Cruise, I'm talking to you) and you can afford to pay the hefty price tag to have Jesus himself marry you.  But for the rest of the world, is a wedding worth  $5,000 an hour?  It seems there should be better and less welfare-inducing ways to celebrate the union of two lives.  But in reality, with everyone capitalizing on this wedding frenzy, it becomes quite impossible to find reasonable ways to cut corners without having your wedding in the gymnasium of the YMCA  while the senior citizen basketball team has their weekly scrimmage.  Calling any event service (limos, flowers, catering, photographers etc) and even mention the word wedding or any other word  that starts with a w or ends in an ing and the price suddenly skyrockets by 352%.  And not to mention the cost of a wedding dress.  Even if I had upwards of $5,000 to drop on a wannabe virginal shroud, I couldn't imagine doing so.  I mean unless it came with the deed to Neverland Ranch or something...then maybe we can negotiate.  I developed a nervous twitch for weeks after having to spend $1,000 on my wedding dress. Which mind you is laying on the floor of my closet hating life because I have yet to drop $200 on a preservation kit.  Can't you just lay it between two big heavy objects to preserve it...like you do a flower in a book?  The seamstress even warned me against my idea to switch out of my 7 inch stilts heels into an amazing pair of silver sequined Jack Purcell converse I had found.  She said I would end up ripping my dress and ruin my wedding.  I think she was actually like Miss Cleo or a Wiccan and put a voodoo spell on me.  I did put on my shiny converse as planned and by the end of the night my dress had turned into stirrup pants.  If it had been 1989 I would have been really cool.

My wedding was almost entirely DIY.  I have to say this wasn't the easiest thing to do, nor the least stressful.
I did save a great deal of money, but had to contribute hours on end of my own time to try to make it resemble a wedding as much as possible.  I did all my own decorating, created my own candy buffet, my own fun station complete with costumes disguises and other goodies, I made all the bouquets by hand, boutineers, the list goes on.  Thankfully I had some great family and friends to help execute it all since I have trouble relinquishing control and really convinced myself I could do hair, makeup, get dressed, and decorate the entire venue the morning before the wedding.  Baby Jesus probably didn't bestow upon me the magical superpowers I like to think he did.  My wedding ended up being unique and tailored to C and I.  Was it perfect?  Hardly, but it made us happy and that should count for something.  In the end was my wedding any better than your $100,000 mega-super shrine of love?  Who's to judge?  Oh ya, maybe Kate Middleton.  That fancy bitch.

So for your viewing pleasure here is a few pictures of some of my DIY projects. Feel free to ask questions, or to inquire about how you too can have a Save-Your-Parent's-Retirement-Fund wedding.  Or maybe you want replicas....I charge a nominal fee.  Unless it's for a wedding, then the price doubles.
Diabetes Table

Morocco meets India..meets Burlington Vermont

Sweet boutineer action.  I think this was their Flogging Molly dance

My budget-friendly paper flower bouquet and hair piece

Fun-sized bouquet for throwing or planting in your garden

Complete with mandatory mustache on a stick and chalkboard word bubbles

Okay so maybe our make-shift guest-book/picasso piece didn't make it
to our living room wall, but it is hanging in our basement.

Mmmmm Meat

My fair maidens bouquets and hair pieces. Pros -non decaying. Cons-papercuts


Aaron X said...

it looks like you had a BEAUTIFUL wedding.

also, thanks for the follow! i'll be following you as well. nice to meet you!


Miss Lifeguard and Mister Guardian said...

I just saw your comment sorry for my horrible delay! And I decided to stop over to your blog and let me say your wedding looks like it was so much fun! I mean isn't that what its supposed to be all about?!?!?! Can't wait to read more and yes I'm about to start blogging more, I've written it in my planner... hopefully I follow it more often!!!

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