Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Horrid icy things, driving to China and a case of the sads. *PLUS people with a mystery gender*

C once told me to never watch the show Ice Road Truckers because it was only a bunch of over exaggerated drama without any fiery crashes, mangled bodies, or human ice cubes.  How is that even TV?!  Whatever, not important.

Anyways, I went out to my car the other day to leave for work only to find the Ice Gods had waged a brutal war on my innocent driving machine and its surrounding habitat.  No signs of life.  Which brought on an instant case of the sads.  Oh cruel cruel world.  I spent 2 hours, half a tank of gas, and the tread on my new tires only to move half an inch on the driveway.  However I did dig pretty much to Beijing with the excellent tire spin I had going on. Oh no, here come the sads again.  So I cried.  And kicked things...giant icy things.  I even managed to kick a bag of what appeared to be tiny animal organs frozen to the snowbank.  That helped with the sads a bit.  How do you not laugh a little at some baby sized kidneys.  Everything is cute when its fun sized.  Anyways, mid-enjoyment in my discovery a car pulled up to the end of my driveway.  Not any car, but an old broke ass VW van.  The driver jumped out and asked if I needed help, and not just any driver, it was one of those mind boggling humans.  The ones who get you with their evil trickery.  Are they a he or a she? Are those baby boobs or an illusion.  Is that enlarged camel toe or an enlarged prostate?  This particular devious warlock had long shoulder length blond hair and baggy clothes hiding any incriminating evidence.  Well except their entire shemale buttcrack which was out on display like a thanksgiving turkey.  So the conversation started.  It went something like this:

Me: sob sob fuck fuck whore shit sob

Neighbor: Need a tow?

Me: No I have both of mine, thank you.

Neighbor:  You look stuck

Me: You're really smart

Neighbor:  I might be able to tow you free with my 1960 broke down VW van

Me:  I think I'll just walk the 30 miles to work

Neighbor: Let me just grab my rope (full crack exposed including but not limited to partial unidentifiable undercarriage) By the way, I'm your neighbor.  My name is.....(get ready for it)......Kelly

Me: Awesome, that solves everything.  I'll just call you It's Pat, Mm'kay?

Kelly never did get me out, that bitch/bastard.   And so my life long obsession will begin.  Warlock-1  Rachael-0


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