Saturday, March 5, 2011

I narrowly escaped with my life....thanks to Spider Spray!

I debated all day about writing this blog because even writing about spiders make me want to put splinters in my own eyeballs.  So just to put it out there, I have a phobia  life-threatening-psychopathic-I-will-literally-die-on-the-spot-like-the-girl-in-the-ring-then-my-skin-will-melt-off-my-dead-body fear of those ghastly creatures.  So you can imagine when I read an article this morning about a recall on Mazda 6 cars due to a spider infestation, I threw my laptop across the room in fear that a giant spider of doom was going to crawl out of my computer in a twitchy slow-fast-slow motion.  Apparently, for some unknown reason, yellow sac spiders are infesting the evaporative canister vent line in Mazda6 cars.  The infestation is so extreme that Mazda has recalled over 52,000 cars.  Are you kidding me?!  Excuse me while I go drive my car off a cliff and resort to roller skating everywhere for the rest of my life.  You never know, Chrysler could be next.  And I feel I should take all necessary precautionary measures. Of course to add to the awesomeness of my day, after I got out of the shower this morning I was greeted by one of those monster-legged spiders.  It was all look at me with my long legs, I'm like Heidi Klum and I'm walking upside down on your ceiling because I defy gravity and can send you into cardiac arrest with a glance in your direction.  Not to mention I was sopping wet and lacking all necessary body armor to handle this situation.  This is how I know they are evil.  They sneak attack when you are most vulnerable like tiny ninjas. A lot of blood curdling screams took place at this point and some clawing at my own face. Somehow I managed to break down the bathroom door and hurl myself to safety before the evil Heidi Klum spider spun me up in its  fashionable web and burnt me with acid spider spit.  I suddenly remembered a few days prior when C and I were in Wal-Mart and he forcibly bought a can of Spider Killer spray.
SEE- It really does exist!

He said it was crucial for me to have in case he wasn't home to use a flame thrower on them for me.  We sat in the aisle at Wal-Mart for ten minutes while I argued with him as to why we could not buy Spider Killer spray because it had pictures of spiders on the can, and that is just NOT okay.  I lost the fight, so when we got home I made sure to bury it in the back of the closet.  Now I was left with no choice.  I closed my eyes and dug the can out of the closet and coated the bathroom ceiling with 3/4 of the can.  That should do the trick.  Of course no demonous arachnid gives up that easily.  He flailed and twitched and then lurched his dying body down at my face.  I don't remember what happened next. I must have blacked out.  My mind obviously could not conceive such extensive trauma.

I have drawn the below diagram, which I feel is a very accurate depiction of  my terrifying day which I will most likely have post traumatic stress syndrome from and require extensive and costly therapy.  



Coral said...

Loved it!

Post a Comment