Oh God, how do I grow a penis?!

Do you ever have those nights where you suddenly have this incredible revelation that you are, in that moment, the epitome of that women you love to make fun of?  Tonight I feel as if I have just taken a nice warm soak in an estrogen bath. I imagine if I get within 100 feet of a penis the tectonic plates would shift and a magnetic shield would form resulting in me being impregnated with enough babies to put Octo-Mom to shame.  If I had a nickname I'd be PussyS'more and not in a sexy way.  I hate to paint this lovely picture for you, but tonight I found myself facing a side of me I hoped to keep hidden, mostly from myself.   I sat on the couch, in my pajamas and two days un-showered (Thank God C is at work for 2 days at a time as this is definitely grounds for divorce).  I was full on super-glued to a Lifetime movie entitled Walls of Secrets staring none other than Dean McDermott from Tori Spelling fame and was ferociously shaving my legs with a wireless razor C had bought me for X-mas. To top it all off, I was popping Tums Ultra 100's like they were a snack.  Why? Because I wanted something sweet.  Thank God for the commercial break convincing me that I never want to reuse my old catheter that helped break the mucus plug on this situation.  How could I let myself sink so low?  If only I could grow a penis like it were a chia pet I would just to level up my testosterone to a plus 9 status. Oh shit...gotta go..commercial break is over....